On Wednesday, we promised to follow our cold, hard facts about Stonewalling with a healthy alternative. Here is something warm and soft for you instead:
The Practice of Physiological Self Soothing
The Practice of Physiological Self Soothing
• Think of a neutral signal that you and your partner can use in a conversation to let each other know when one of you feels flooded with emotion (for more about flooding, refer to our March 1st post from The Research series on Physiological Self Soothing.) This can be a word or a physical motion, e.g. "Collywobbles!" or "Hocus-pocus!" or simply raising both hands into a Stop position. Come up with your own! If you choose a ridiculous signal, you may find that the very use of it helps begin to diffuse tension.
• When you have moved apart to take your break, attempt the following: imagine a place that makes you feel calm and safe. A sacred space where nothing can touch you. It may be a place you remember from childhood - a cozy corner you read in, your old bedroom, or a friend's house. It may be a beautiful forest you explored on a trip. It may be a dreamscape. As you imagine yourself in this sanctuary, lose yourself in the peace of mind that it brings you. Meditating on a haven in your imagination can be a perfect, relaxing break from a difficult conversation.
• Practice focusing on your breath: it should be deep, regular, and even. Inhale and exhale naturally. As in Eastern practices - from yoga to contemplative meditation - you may find yourself calmer and more centered if you stop for a moment, and allow the noise around you to temporarily fade away.
• Tense and relax parts of your body that feel tight or uncomfortable. Feel the warmth and heaviness flow out of your limbs. Take your time. This technique is similar to a focus on breathing, but you may find one or the other preferable. Work with either of these techniques to feel your stress flow away.
Think of these as starting points for the creation of an island of peace within yourself. You can return to this place again and again, whenever you like.
Your (and your partner’s) mental health play a large role in determining the health of your relationship. Don’t forget to take care of yourselves! Devote enough time and energy to self-care (getting enough sleep, nutrition, exercise, time for pursuit of your passions), and watch the frequency and intensity of fights between the two of you drop dramatically.
Remember: the ability to self-soothe is one of the most important skills you can learn. Practicing it can help you not only in romantic relationships, but in all other areas of your life.
Wishing you a wonderful Memorial Day weekend,
Ellie Lisitsa
TGI Staff
Your (and your partner’s) mental health play a large role in determining the health of your relationship. Don’t forget to take care of yourselves! Devote enough time and energy to self-care (getting enough sleep, nutrition, exercise, time for pursuit of your passions), and watch the frequency and intensity of fights between the two of you drop dramatically.
Remember: the ability to self-soothe is one of the most important skills you can learn. Practicing it can help you not only in romantic relationships, but in all other areas of your life.
Wishing you a wonderful Memorial Day weekend,
Ellie Lisitsa
TGI Staff