Today on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we continue our discussion of stress and its effects on our relationships in the Digital Age. We begin with a quote from James Olds, a professor of neuroscience, cited by Nicholas Carr, author of The Shallows: What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brains: “The brain has the ability to reprogram itself on the fly, altering the way it functions.” The quote is taken from the introduction to Carr’s thought-provoking book, in which he argues that our ability to think is enormously compromised by the distracting nature of the virtual world with which we make contact every day. A summary of his argument follows:
Much of the brain is engaged when its owner is online because of the enormous number of stimuli it is exposed to and the decisions it has to make in real time (Do I click this hyperlink? Do I check my email? Do I read this article? Do I respond to this instant message? What am I supposed to be working on?). Some say that the activation of many regions of the brain is a good thing. In reality, these activities put strain on short-term memory and impair our ability to think deeply. We compare this cognitive function to the experience of the human mind before digital media took off. When people read, for example, the amount of neuronal firing in the brain is much less. On the surface it seems that the brain is less engaged, but in reality, when you focus on a book and read it in a linear fashion (not jumping around), your brain is able to retain much more information at the speed that you are reading. This allows the information to be encoded in short-term memory and to potentially be transferred into long-term memory.
Our ability to reason, it seems, is becoming seriously impaired by our tech-savvy lifestyle. As early as 2009, in the midst of a burgeoning technological revolution, people were starting to suspect that we had a serious problem on our hands.
According to an article in the Science section of Wired Magazine, “In the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Nass and Stanford psychologists Anthony Wagner and Eyal Ophir surveyed 262 students on their media consumption habits. The 19 students who multitasked the most and 22 who multitasked least then took two computer-based tests, each completed while concentrating only on the task at hand… In every test, students who spent less time simultaneously reading e-mail, surfing the web, talking on the phone and watching TV performed best. ‘These are all very standard tasks in psychology,’ said Nass. ‘In the first, there’s lots of evidence that if people do poorly, they have trouble ignoring irrelevant information. For the second task, there are many demonstrations that this is a good reflection of people’s ability to organize things in their working memory.”
What does this have to do with relationships?
Our ability to think, to enjoy a functional working memory, and to participate in daily experiences in reasonable control of our attention seems to be deteriorating in a climate of constant distraction. When we end up experiencing great difficulties in making decisions and exercising good judgment as a result of enduring distractibility, our relationships suffer along with the rest of our lives.
If you get used to devoting only a fraction of your attention to the task at hand, you may find yourself forgetting (or unable) to switch gears when you are with your partner. The two of you may begin to lose your connection and your faith in each other's ability to dedicate time and attention to the relationship. You may have trouble remembering what your partner was saying a moment ago in conversation. You may have trouble remembering what you were saying. Cue criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – welcome the Four Horsemen.
We’ve all experienced the following: If our attention is too scattered to keep track of the conversation, if we don’t remember what we or our partner just said, if we don’t remember that we agreed to pick the kids up from school or to stop by the grocery store on the way home, then we begin to experience problems in our relationship. If you forget promises that you make, your word begins to lose its meaning. Simple, honest mistakes can become the cause for a gradual loss of trust.
If you feel anger, shame, guilt, or defensiveness as a result of the sense that your partner lacks drive or care, consider that what your partner may actually lack is attention. The problem is often not one of intent but one of distractibility – though the distinction usually has little bearing on the continuation of destructive patterns. Dr. Gottman often explains that the reasons for failed connection are often the result of mindlessness, not malice.
How can you break the cycle, then? It’s important to understand the source of stress and the effects that it has on your relationship, and to realize that change can come about only when you change your approach. In our next blog posting on Friday, we will give you some ideas for doing just that.
All for now,
Ellie Lisitsa
TGI Staff